I apparently have no friends. There are times in your life when you need someone that will have your back... someone that will tell you the harsh reality. Yet... there I was ... friendless.
It’s the times that a friend whispers that you have food stuck in your braces... not just a little piece of green but a huge wavy piece that is distracting everyone.
Once you sneeze and forget to wipe the rest of your face... The time that you leave the bathroom with a piece of toilet paper on your shoe... the one that reminds you that your nose hair is getting long or that your top is see through in an accidental trashy way.
My other job sometimes finds me in court. It’s not pleasant but hey at least I’m there to make a difference and not there personally.
Between sessions, I ran to the ladies’ room and while in there washing my hands... I noticed that wow, they did a great job when updating the old courthouse.
The windows along one side were huge and let so much light in. I glanced in the mirror over the sink... I looked decent I thought, and as my gaze went to slide away, I caught it out of the corner of my eye... a black hair.
Explaining to the lady that walked into the door while I was climbing up on the sink counter to get closer to the mirror... I have a neck hair. She didn’t blink... just walked on back to the stalls. She was no help. I got as close to the mirror as I could and sure enough, growing out of my neck was one... long.... black... hair.
Now when I say long, I’m talking that thing was at the least the length of my pinky finger... admit it, you just looked at the length of your pinky finger in horror. I stared at it in complete disbelief. How can I have so many “friends” in my life but they let me walk around with a caveman hair growing out of my neck?
The not helpful lady washed her hands and left without making further eye contact. I eventually realized that if I didn’t make it back into court, I would be awkwardly late.
So I braced myself and grabbed that hair... then with all I had, I yanked.... and it curled. For someone who can’t get their hair to keep a curl at all, that little black neck hair was a perfect ringlet. On my neck. Gag. All I could think was to name my newest problem... so I could refer to her by name... Louise. The neck hair.
I couldn’t just leave it there, but I had to for the time being. I crawled off the counter and ran back into court... where I spend the rest of the session with one hand taking notes and the other hand trying to nonchalantly cover the neck hair.
Because while one part of my brain assured me that there was no way anyone across the room would notice, I couldn’t help but be paranoid.
I began plotting Louise’s demise. I had to walk by a pharmacy on the way back to the office... I could duck in and buy a razor... then when I got to the office, I could lop that bad boy off.
Or I could wait until I got home and tweezer it to its death. I found myself texting my best friend who lives far far away and sadly, she was no help. At least I entertained her.
The day would get the best of me... I would get busy and forget about Louise, the nasty neck hair. I would commute home and then start on my chores... helping with homework, doing laundry and chasing Max around the block... but it was after I had fell asleep that Louise crossed my mind.
I woke in a panic from a dead sleep... then I dealt with Louise.
I also set a calendar reminder for once a month to check for wayward neck hairs... since I apparently can’t count on anyone to watch my back. Ladies, check your necks.
Kalynn Brazeal is a conservative, Christian wife/mom/country girl carrying around an MBA, several decades of business experience and a strong opinion. Dividing her time between Grand Lake and North Dakota, she continues to share her column on life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and cake. She can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org.